The last two years have been tough for our family. If you’re in our circle of friends or family, you may have heard about it. It’s also briefly mentioned on The Messy Table Podcast.
My dad has had Parkinson’s for a very long time now but as he’s gotten older and time has passed, things have progressed. Over the Christmas holidays in 2017, he came to visit us and caught pneumonia which resulted in him being in the ICU for several weeks. Unfortunately, that’s how we greeted the new year in 2018. His kidneys were failing among other things and over time, he had to go to rehab. Things started slowly looking up for him and us.
In March 2018, we got the devastating news that my mother-in-law had a major stroke. She had always been in good health. Granted, she was never active but always watched her diet and was determined to be in health until her last days. She was at her home in India during this time and we were here, in the U.S. She only has two kids and both of our families were settled here, which was very challenging for us. We made multiple trips to India to take care of her and sort things out while taking her to multiple hospitals for procedures and settling for a 3-month stay at a rehab facility while constantly trying to figure out how we can get her to a place of regained memory, speech, and physical movements. Her whole right side had been paralyzed and she was intubated for a few months. We had no idea that over a period of a year and a half, we would have to find caretakers in a different country, spend enormous amounts of money, and walk into unchartered territory as we kept figuring out what her ‘next’ step would be.
Back to my dad – September rolls around and he’s admitted into the ICU again because of his swollen kidneys and infection in his blood. Fast forward to 2019, we finally were able to bring my mother-in-law to stay here with us. My dad in the meantime has had a few scares here and there. To make a long story short, several weeks ago, he had shoulder surgery to remedy an injury after falling. Two weeks ago, he had to go into emergency surgery for a hernia.
Watching your parents age is hard!! Parents are the ones who teach you how to be adults but they miss one thing- they never teach you how to take care of them when they are old. As an adult and a parent myself, I can see how depressing that would be. On the inside, I’ll probably always feel young so when would I feel ‘old enough’ to admit it and ask my kids for help? Apart from clinging to God, here are a few things that I’ve learned in how to cope with this season.
Be Flexible & Available
We may be planners but taking care of our parents – the when and how was never planned. We didn’t know the struggles they were going to have and neither did they. There’s no way we can specifically plan for the exact type of scenario they would be in.
We remember being thankful that we took insurance on a vacation we had booked. Because of it, we were able to cancel it without a lot of ramifications when we needed to leave the country to take care of my mother in law. We’ve learned to be flexible with our schedule and takes things in stride. We’ve also learned to be available in the event that we need to drop a few things in our schedule to take care of the people closest to us. Is it sometimes a challenge? It sure is but family is always worth it.
Be Open & Ask for Help
We all have the best intentions but taking care of parents is tough, especially when they aren’t independent anymore. My mother-in-law is nonverbal now, which means we had to track down all her important documents, people in her circle that can legally attest for her when it came to the paperwork of where she’s lived and worked – to finding the best institutions for care. All of that and more was because we were open with our needs and asked for help from family and friends who pointed us in the right direction, gave us advice, offered suggestions, and shared their own experiences. We also had people that took time out of their schedules to lend a hand and also help financially. What may have been the most helpful is having a community around us that listened and prayed for us through what was an emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually draining season for us.
Be Patient & Extend Grace
Patience is such a needed virtue when dealing with aging parents. For some reason, they seem to get more stubborn as they age! It could be the pain that no one seems to understand, the frustration of not being able to do the things they used to, the lack of control they seem to have over their life, or the tiredness that accompanies them day and night. Whatever the reason, at times it’s been exasperating making them eat, take their meds, do some exercise and even get them out of bed. We’ve had to tap into our empathy and try our best to understand where they’re coming from and what’s going on with them at any given time. Needless to say, it’s required a lot of patience. On the flip side, we’ve learned to extend grace…to ourselves. We used to get so down and out about what we should’ve, could’ve and wasn’t able to, carrying a burden so heavy and unrealistic that we forget that we are doing our best. Our best is all we can muster and that is good enough.
Be Grateful & Don’t Give Up Hope
Lastly, we are grateful for each day that we have with our parents. Regardless if it’s a few more years, months, weeks, or days – we know time is short. In our culture, we are brought up with the knowledge that it’s our duty and privilege to take care of our parents as they age. It’s considered a blessing. It is definitely easier said than done when you have a job, other responsibilities of your own, or your parents are not in the best health or mindset. However, we have learned to embrace the moments of smiles, hugs, and joy scattered throughout their struggles and hardship. And we remember the sacrifices they made for us as we were growing up. At the end of the day, that’s what families and lives are made of. Families aren’t perfect and life is full of moments – some filled with pain and challenges and others full of joy.
We hope and pray that things turn around for our parents- whether this side of heaven or not. That one day they will be completely healed. Until then, we’ll celebrate all the little milestones and hold onto hope that tomorrow will be a better day for them.
